This is going to be a very candid and open look into my life. Typically, this is something that has to be asked of me, but this is a rare moment that I’m going to just let everyone into the inner workings of my brain.
Looking at me no one would ever think that I carry around shame. Should I carry around the shame I feel? No! But I do. Why? That’s a great question and I’m still trying to figure out.
In 5 Factors That Make You Feel Shame by Dr. Shahram Heshmat, it states that, “Shame is a painful emotion responding to a sense of failure to attain some ideal state. Shame encompasses the entire self. The thought process in shame involves self-focused attention. The physical expressions of shame include the blushing face, slumped with head down, eyes averted. It generates a wish to hide, to disappear or even to die.”
Most people will say I have been pretty successful thus far in my life. I have several accolades that I can boast about, so many would ask, “What do I have to feel like a failure about?”. I’m not sure if many have read my blog “I Forgive You...Not So Fast” from 29 Jul 2018 where I talk a little about the trauma I’ve experienced, but that touches on where my shame extends from. I haven’t been shamed into or about anything and no one has shamed me. It’s all me. I thought I had the shame under control, and I believe I have, for the most part, in all aspects of my life except for one.
The one area that I don’t have some semblance of control of my shame is in my sex life. I know this is a little too much information but bear with me, please. I’m sure I’m not the only one that is experiencing these issues, so I’m putting it out there for all to see.
How does that shame manifest for me? I don’t make noise during sex. It seems like a minor detail, but it is a huge problem because it makes my partner feel as if they are inadequate. Believe it or not, the noise that we make is an indication of how good of a job our partners are doing. It lets them know if we like what they are doing to, and for us. The last thing I want to do is make my partner feel inadequate because that is far from the truth. However, for me, not making noise while being pleasured has been ingrained in me for so long that it has become something I do unconsciously. Due to events in my past, I tend to disconnect from my body during sex. But, when I catch myself now, I try to pull myself back and reconnect with the present.
For so long for me feeling sexual pleasure during sex has been associated with shame. There have only been a handful of times that I’ve actually felt pleasure and not the shame that my brain associated with sex. One of those times it was a struggle between the shame and pleasure. Fortunately, the pleasure wouldn’t give in to the shame. How I wish that was an every encounter occurrence but sadly, it isn’t.
I have spoken to a counselor about the shame I feel during sex and I was told to actively practice mindfulness during each encounter. Mindfulness is, in short, actively engaging in the moment – being mindful of the present. In order for this to work, I have to have my partner on-board. My counselor believes that if I can conquer shame in the bedroom that it can extend to other parts of my life and help me really conquer shame instead of just having some semblance of control of the shame. Good, bad, or indifferent I have to get a hold of this issue, it cannot continue to have a hold on me. ~o.flows.up