Updated: Jun 2, 2020
How many people can say they can be emotionally naked all the time? I know I cannot. I embarked on a journey because I had no idea of who I was. That was definitely an issue for me. All my life I had no clue why I did what I did. It was a little with how I was raised, the people who raised me, and what happened to me.
I found out that I didn’t like, well I didn’t know, how to be vulnerable with people. I held everything close to the vest. I didn’t allow anyone in. People who grew up with me or went to school with me can’t tell you one intimate thing about me. Intimate thing in the sense of private that only those close to me would or should know. Sure they can probably tell you things I’ve done, but they can’t tell you how I felt about situations, events or life. To be perfectly honest, no one in my family or immediate family can tell you that as well.
I had an issue with letting people in. I couldn’t be vulnerable. I kept walls up all the time. When it became apparent that I had an issue with being vulnerable, I knew I needed to get it under control. I started trying to open up about me more, but it was terrifying.
I was afraid people would see the failure I was. I was afraid people would see that I wasn’t that smart or intelligent. Shit, I was just afraid. I didn’t let that stop me though. I began opening up through my writing. And I allowed people to read what I wrote.
That was just the beginning though. My relationships suffered because of my invulnerability. I didn’t want my partners to know that I was a fraud. I didn’t want them to know I was damaged. But I had to fix that aspect of my life, because me not being vulnerable with my partners told them that I didn’t trust them, and I didn’t want to share me, all of me, with them.
I started to really open up, even if it was just to explain something I wrote, because the vast majority of my writings are very personal in nature. I still needed to be open with my partner and that proved to more difficult, but it had to be done. I had to bear my soul.
I still have trouble bearing my soul to my partner because I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to be a disappointment. I don’t want my partner to look at me and see that I’m irrevocably broken. I want my partner to know every curve of my body, every scar I’ve endured, all the trauma and drama I’ve endured, how I survived and my thoughts before I think it. I’m working on it. It’s not easy to bare your soul when you are use to holding everything in.
While I still have flaws and I’m imperfect, I’m still a work in progress. As long as I continue to make strides to be emotionally naked things will continue to progress.