In 2018, I started journeys to figure out who I was. I started this work in 2015, but in 2018 I really focused on certain areas that were more so troubling to me and needed immediate attention because it was those areas, that in my opinion, were bothersome.
There are a few things you may or may not know about me: I’m a survivor of rape, I have been diagnosed with clinical depression (but I am functional), anxiety, and PTSD. I have been an emotionally numb, overthinking introvert that has issues with communication and feels insecure at times. My relationships seem to suffer because of my depression and my PTSD. My anxiety makes people feel sorry for me because it sometimes manifests in the form of tears. There are times when my emotional numbness makes my significant other feel like they are insignificant in my life. And there’s nothing I can do, or say, to prove otherwise because I come off as not caring.
Last year, I was told that I was insincere and sarcastically argumentative. Was I really being insincere and argumentative? I wasn’t, that was my emotional numbness rearing it’s ugly head. It’s not that I wanted to give off that vibe it just happens. What is really annoying to me is, I don’t know when it’s happening. I find out when someone says something and afterwards, I replay the conversations over in my head to see what they are talking about. It’s very exhausting.
I have been told I have a dope aura and the energy I give off is so vibrant and positive. But I don’t always feel like that. I have flashbacks. I don’t like being in crowds. I can’t speak in front of an audience. Many nights I can’t sleep or can’t stay sleep. Am I faking the funk? How can I, one can’t fake their aura or energy. In all honesty, my face tells on me. There are days when I feel like shit, I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. But I am a highly functional depressive so locking myself away in the house is not an option. Not interacting with the people who mean the most to me can’t happen. But how can I let them know that nothing is wrong, it’s just they way I am.
I am a flawed human being. I’m perfectly imperfect. I have a dope vibe and I vibrate on a different frequency. I survived my trauma because I was able to compartmentalize shit that meant me harm. I don’t know how I get through my bouts of depression all I know is I have to get through life by hook or crook. There are times that I feel insecure and unworthy. Not for any other reason than it’s just how I feel. Trauma does that to you, especially when you have held it in for so long, you begin to believe the lies that the trauma is telling you.
I’m still a work in progress. The strides I made aren’t for naught. I’m still traveling this journey of life to find out who I am. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me or what I’m doing to do when I figure it all out. All I know is happiness, true overall happiness, is out there waiting for me.