Forgiveness, the act of forgiving. In Black society, we’ve seen where Black families have given a press conference and someone from the media asks the age-old question “Do you forgive killer of the day for killing your loved one?” Nine times out of ten that Black family will say “Yes, they forgive them because that is the Christian thing to do.” I always shake my head, and yell “NO!!!! Don’t forgive that bastard!!!” at my television, but to no avail. It seems as if, it’s expected for Black people to just forgive anyone who have wronged them, regardless of what was done. A host of things perpetrated again Black people, that until it went viral and took on a life of its own it was all fun and games. The perpetrator came back a day or two later with their tail tucked between their legs or with their foot inserted firmly in their mouths apologizing and asking for forgiveness. Many people believing it’s the Christian thing to do accepted their apology and continued on with their lives. Me and many others said they can keep their funky ass apologies, the damage has already been done, that apology wasn’t going to undo anything.
Imagine for a year taking a nail and hammering it into a board every time someone does something wrong to you and then apologize. At the end the year you take each nail out, that board will not be the same as it was when the year first began. In fact, that board will be worn down and possibly ready to break in some places. The same thing happens with all the wrongdoings towards Black society and these faux apologies. Let’s face it, most people don’t mean a damn word they utter.
Let me make this more personal. I have told several people that I do not forgive, for no other reason than if you do something so callous to betray me, I can no longer trust you thus never forgiving you for anything. I have gotten a lot of push back because of my stance on forgiveness. I have had several people tell me that the forgiveness isn’t for them it’s for me, to cleanse myself. I’m told I cannot walk around with hate in my heart because it will eventually consume me and that I needed to go pray about it. I told those people that the hate I feel for someone and me never forgiving them is warranted and no amount of prayer was going to fill me with enough of anything to magically start forgiving anyone. I didn’t possess the forgiveness gene. And quite frankly forgiveness wasn’t going to be thrust upon me overnight or anytime in the near or distant future. I’m not really interested in forgiveness.
Why you ask? Great question, I’ll tell you. Since I was a little girl, I have had wrongdoings forced upon my person. When I think about forgiveness or the lack of forgiveness there are three people that always pop in to my head. It doesn’t matter what has happened, whenever I’m asked about forgiveness and why I say I don’t forgive these three people come to mind.
I’m about to give you a bit of insight into who I am and why I think and write in the manner that I do.
The third person that I will never forgive is my son’s piece of shit donor. No, he wasn’t a piece of shit when we laid down and made our son but as time went on and he showed no interest in seeing his son, spending time with his son, talking to his son, or providing for his son; even though I didn’t place a stipulation on him other than calling and letting me know when he wanted to do any of those things so I can make sure I made his son available to him; is when he became a piece of shit. Unlike a lot of women who cried about child support I didn’t, even though there was order in place and he still owe over $40k. The way in which he has tried to talk down to me and has treated my son makes me want to lose every fucking emotion I have. He’s the only man walking this earth’s surface that can push my buttons by inhaling and exhaling.
The second person that I will never forgive is my father. While he has been there for my brothers and sister, he was never there for me physically, mentally, or emotionally, and by that mere fact alone it hurts me deeply. It is because my father was not there I have allowed so much bullshit from men to go on in my life and didn’t know when to say when. I allowed my self-esteem to be beat to all hell because he wasn’t there to tell me that I was beautiful, that I mattered, and that I was worthy as a little girl. He wasn’t there to be the first man for me to fall in love with. Instead I had my share of frogs to kiss and dumbasses to fall in love with because I didn’t know what love from a man was supposed to look like. I firmly believe had he been an active part in my life I would have never had to deal with the first person that I will never forgive and I hope that despicable waste of skin dies a slow and painful death.
The number one person that can kick spiky rocks and glass with open toed sandals while walking though fire is the asshole that raped me constantly and consistently for ten years of my life. He can be on his death bed, have the Pope, the Virgin Mary, Mother Theresa, and his pastor all begging me to forgive him and they all will get the middle finger and big howdy ho fuck you. He cared nothing about forgiveness when he was raping me, forcing me to perform fellatio on him, and holding a 38 on me while he was raping when I started to fight back. He had no forgiveness for me when I was being traumatized those ten years. He didn’t give a damn about what mental, physical, or emotional well-being. To him I was just a piece of ass, a thing, another notch under his belt. So why should I forgive someone like that. There is not enough drugs in this world that can make me forget what he did to me, and not enough religion in this world to make me forgive that piece of shit.
Trust me when I tell you I don’t forgive, because the acts committed upon a person are purposeful and most times are done with malice. The next time you venture to accept someone’s apology, truly ask yourself if they are sincerely sorry for what they have done to you or are they just cracking under societal norms to appear as if they are “normal”. It’s okay to tell people to keep their funky ass apology, because they more than likely don’t mean it to begin with, especially if something has gone viral to make them apologize. What you will never have to worry about is me accepting an apology from someone because they have been pressured into apologizing, or me apologizing for something that I feel strongly about. That’s why before I speak I taste my words before I let them flow.
~o.flows.up